just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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