Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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