I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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