why didn't you poke me back
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
