when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
