How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
