When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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