dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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