i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
