There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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