Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
