Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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