you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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