batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
