The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We just shotgunned beers for America
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize