what day is it and did you see me today?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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