my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
