You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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