12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
