you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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