I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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