I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize