You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
