So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I miss vodka workout Fridays
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
