I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
