no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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