just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
