i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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