Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
