I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
