All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
