Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
