when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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