you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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