What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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