guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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