Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
