The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
