Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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