I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
