Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i black out too much to be "responsible"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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