My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Holy shit dude........stairs
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