I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
