i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
