Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
