Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
