my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
