Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
