My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
