My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
tequila makes me forget i have legs
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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