i wish my penis had a tongue
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
