Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize