her vagina looked like bernie madoff
well you can't waste a boner
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All I want is dick and wine.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
