I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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