so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
