I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize