Having a random hookup so left but love u
im drinking this country out of the recession.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
